No secrets, no lies- tell the story

Adoption narratives can be hard, painful or full of mixed up emotions. It’s not easy to think about sharing your child’s adoption story.

It’s normal to have many questions. How much to share? Where? When? How?

If you are afraid to share with your child, their adoption story please remember your child was there when everything happened. On a cellular level your child already knows something happened.

Babies and young children don’t have verbal or explicit memory of relinquishment, going home or adoption but they do have experiential or implicit memory of those things.

Telling your child the truth is affirmation of something they already know on some level. Not telling leads back to secrets- secrets hurt. If you don’t address a wound infection will fester and grow- so will the feelings associated with thoughts of intentional deception, lying or any other conclusion that could come from not being honest in the first place.

So when? Right away, even if you didn’t share before it’s not to late do it now.

How? In small digestible chunks with age appropriate but complete language?

How much? All of it, with kind affirming language. What you say about the family of origin includes your child too.

Where? Privately- this is your child’s narrative, not yours and they deserve the space to digest it and chose how, when or if to share it. Yes, some parts of your narrative overlap your child’s narrative but not all of it.

If you are considering keeping the narrative of your child’s origin story a secret- ask yourself;

Does keeping this secret foster a relationship where your child can come to you with anything, no matter what, or does it foster them seeking information or help elsewhere?

What is your fear? Would your child have that fear if you didn’t? You may not feel ready but your child has always known and has been ready for confirmation since the beginning.

Do you want your child to hear this from you or from a friend or friend’s parents, a cousin, or teacher?

If you don’t tell is it possible your child already explicitly knows? Are you okay with them sitting alone with big information- that may or may not be correct?

When you don’t know what to do, ask for help. It’s okay to seek an expert in adoption. There are many of us who will do consultations around sharing the narrative with your child in a sensitive way to help you. You don’t have to do it alone and your child should not have to be alone with big emotions either.