No secrets, no lies- tell the story

Adoption narratives can be hard, painful or full of mixed up emotions. It’s not easy to think about sharing your child’s adoption story.

It’s normal to have many questions. How much to share? Where? When? How?

If you are afraid to share with your child, their adoption story please remember your child was there when everything happened. On a cellular level your child already knows something happened.

Babies and young children don’t have verbal or explicit memory of relinquishment, going home or adoption but they do have experiential or implicit memory of those things.

Telling your child the truth is affirmation of something they already know on some level. Not telling leads back to secrets- secrets hurt. If you don’t address a wound infection will fester and grow- so will the feelings associated with thoughts of intentional deception, lying or any other conclusion that could come from not being honest in the first place.

So when? Right away, even if you didn’t share before it’s not to late do it now.

How? In small digestible chunks with age appropriate but complete language?

How much? All of it, with kind affirming language. What you say about the family of origin includes your child too.

Where? Privately- this is your child’s narrative, not yours and they deserve the space to digest it and chose how, when or if to share it. Yes, some parts of your narrative overlap your child’s narrative but not all of it.

If you are considering keeping the narrative of your child’s origin story a secret- ask yourself;

Does keeping this secret foster a relationship where your child can come to you with anything, no matter what, or does it foster them seeking information or help elsewhere?

What is your fear? Would your child have that fear if you didn’t? You may not feel ready but your child has always known and has been ready for confirmation since the beginning.

Do you want your child to hear this from you or from a friend or friend’s parents, a cousin, or teacher?

If you don’t tell is it possible your child already explicitly knows? Are you okay with them sitting alone with big information- that may or may not be correct?

When you don’t know what to do, ask for help. It’s okay to seek an expert in adoption. There are many of us who will do consultations around sharing the narrative with your child in a sensitive way to help you. You don’t have to do it alone and your child should not have to be alone with big emotions either.

Shhhh… It’s a secret. Say no way for safety!

The youngest children need really clear language for difficult concepts as their brains grow and develop. Parents often ask about how to keep their children safe from predators.

Here is one simple distinction that will help you to empower your kids. What’s the difference between secret, surprise or private?

Surprise!

Birthday gifts- surprises. Party- surprise. What’s in your lunch tomorrow-surprise! Things that we don’t share about right away but are meant to be fun and are eventually shared.

That’s private.

What you do on the toilet-private. What you share in therapy- private. The things we all know about but don’t always talk about in every or any setting or with any person in a store or on the streets. Some things we share only with people we are close to because it feels safe, or because we can trust the source or response of that person.

Secrets.

Secrets hurt. The whispers in the hallway, teasing we know something you don’t. Spreading rumors not told but meant to be overheard. Adults asking children not to tell never serves the child, never helps or protects them. It hurts.

Don’t tell the youngest children the gifts are secrets, call them surprises from the start and allow the older children to express nuance with the word secret.

Small lessons can go a long way.

Happy 1st Birthday FeatherLight !

It’s been just about a year since beginning this endeavor to create something new. An anxious, exciting, confusing year filled with the full range of emotion. What’s happened so far? As I look back at the planning stage and how big this endeavor was the boarder story takes shape- Never give up. There was so much learning and there is a long way to go but in celebration of making it up to a full year.

Let’s take a look at what happened from October of 2022 until now;

• We worked with an accountant and opened the LLC.

• We built a website.

• We created office space that holds space for children to adults.

• We found ways to make whatever we were presented with work in that space.

• We met new colleagues and made unexpected connections.

• We made referrals to colleagues with different knowledge bases and expertise.

• We finished and published “The Suggestion Box” children’s book.

• We completed the EMDR certification process.

• We became a Registered Play Therapist TM.

• We built a sandtray by hand!

• Toys and games were tested by my two favorite humans- who absolutely contribute more than they realize.

• We were featured on 2 podcasts.

• We were named a New Jersey “2023 Kids’ favorite Doc”.

  It wasn’t a single thing that made this all possible. It wasn’t all luck. As I sit to reflect on all the growth and just how much has happened over the year, I recognize that if I had not stepped outside my comfort zone, the people I’ve met, the ones who received help, the ones who’ve helped me- maybe those paths would not have crossed.

  As FeatherLight continues into year number two, hopes and dreams abound. Recognizing that discomfort is part of the growth, honoring the emotions, and accepting support allows space for new learning, new ideas to take flight.

  In a year I hope to look back and see. Presented at a professional conference. Moved to exploring creating training courses. Moved the next children’s book towards completion. Helping more clients find their wings. I hope to keep learning through continuing education. Maybe I will consider becoming an EMDR consultant in training, or a steps towards becoming a trainer, or even exploring my doctoral degree.

  The possibilities are there and I’m looking forward to where my wings may take me in this upcoming year.

The Suggestion Box

Exciting news today! The Suggestion Box is now available for purchase at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

As I reflect back on the journey of idea, through the editing into a book process I find myself impressed by how much goes on behind the scenes for a book. The amount of support always reminds me not to work in a vacuum and to tap what resources are available to you. I think about ways to step out of my own comfort zone, since I ask this of clients on a daily basis. I’m grateful to the supportive people in my life.

Last, I want to share there will be coloring pages of all the characters and some question sheets for educators, therapists or parents to make discussion possible so it’s an enjoyable, educational experience for children.

I hope everyone enjoys The Suggestion Box as much as I enjoyed creating it. Please do share your reviews

Moving Day.

FeatherLight is moving into office space today. It’s crispy cold outside so I know my fingers are going to burn from the cold carrying in bins and boxes even with my gloves on. I know it’s probably going to take longer than I anticipate, and unexpected things will happen. One thing that I believe is foundational is being real with people. If I am not authentic, people, especially children will know it. I choose to share in hopes people relate and learn and then grow towards meeting their life goals. I know many therapists take a very different stance on disclosures. To me, that’s cool, it’s them being their authentic selves too.

So today I’m filled with excitement. I am also a bundle of nerves and anxiety. Since obtaining the LLC back in October, I’ve spent so much time and care planning, ensuring that everything would be ready for this day. Despite years of experience and training I will never escape being fully human, having feeling mixed up feelings just like anyone else. I can be excited and afraid at the same time. It’s okay to be both/and, or either/or when it comes to emotions.

Special items that will stay at the FeatherLight Office

To be in a place to take action, people need to acknowledge what it is that holds them back. It’s not always an external factor, sometimes the block is within. Reflecting on how powerful anxiety and fear can be lets me analyze what I need to move through the discomfort, the distress and step forward. Without action my dreams remain dreams only. Do I do the things I suggest to clients? I’m human, not always, but certainly, this is a good time to apply those skills.

So what am I doing as I get ready to load those boxes and bins? I reflect on what I’ve already accomplished, figuring out how to start a practice, how to do some networking, how to help people grow and meet their goals. I look for what I’ve learned in failures, and know to go one step at a time. I look inside at my own past hurts, breathe and assure myself of what is in the present moment- the people I’ve invited into my life with love and support. I recognize areas where I need help and I ask. What is the worst case scenario if I fail?

Play Therapy, EMDR and supplies to help people find their wings

If I failed, I learned. I know what to do differently, to reassess where I am, the direction I thought I needed to go and I make a change. If I fail then I simply need new direction. In no way am I saying it would be pain free or that I wouldn’t feel sad. I know I would, but I also know I would move through it to the next thing.

Right now, everything has led me to this move, this new chapter. I’ve learned to trust my gut instinct when something feels right. Through the summer months I thought I was going to go in a very different direction, to work in a school. While I really wanted to do some work in that school, to build a wellness program, deep down I had some doubts, but I was following a desire. I knew I needed a change but the change I thought I wanted is what led me here. Through a rejection I found a new direction. The sensation is very different, I don’t have the doubt. I recognize the internal assurance within my gut.

If all that had not occurred, I wouldn’t be here right now. The journey over the last year is filled with hurts and joys, excitement and fear. So yes, I feel the anxiety of “what if…” but I choose to focus on the excitement of “here I am”.

You are a therapist, why did you write a children’s book?

Story Time!

I’ve always loved birds. Since I was a child, from pretend play with stuffed animals, to drawing and painting. The ability birds have to fly. The complexity of a bird’s visual system. The variation in species and coloration. Everything about birds has fascinated me for as long as I can remember.

While training for my play therapy certification I took a course on utilizing metaphors and stories in therapy. During the course the presenter asked us to work in small groups and create a story line- one that would be useful for a therapuetic setting. As we talked about themes and story lines I remember thinking about how great my colleague’s thoughts were. I felt totally uncertain about sharing with the whole class. I took a deep breathe and shared the very basic outline when my turn came.

I held my breathe as if in slow motion as the presenter opened her mouth to speak. “You need to finish this.” I was shocked at the positive response. I never deeply considered becoming an author. I decided I would give it a try. After all I did have a bachelor’s degree in visual arts that I never used beyond sharing creative ideas and having clients use art in sessions.

This was the beginning of 2 years of editing, painting, scanning and going back to the drawing board, quite literally. I spent a great deal of time reading about all the details we don’t realize go into creating a book. I filled sketch books with ideas and ended up doing two full sets of different watercolor paintings for the illustrations. My amazing husband even found another therapist turned author to consult with for editing!

Yes, that’s right, I painted every page and every image by hand in watercolor. All of my art courses through college were the old-fashioned way, on paper. To say the learning curve to bring the illustrations to the computer was huge is an understatement. After all this has been a 2-year endeavor.

In the end painting and creating are my happy place. I get to be immersed in my thoughts and ideas. I was able to ask friends, family, colleagues and professionals for their input. This book was a truly a labor of love; from loving the act of creating something new, to help to receiving the love and caring from all the people who helped me behind the scenes, even when it seemed completely impossible, “The Suggestion Box” is the end result.

I hope anyone who finds it and reads can feel that love and enjoys the story as much as I’ve enjoyed the creation. I am over the moon excited for it to become available in the next few weeks!

The Beginning.

Where did FeatherLight Counseling come from?

When the world stopped for the pandemic, everyone experienced the variation of responses to trauma. I wasn’t any surer than anyone else out there of what was to come in the upcoming years, but I did want to make the best of it. I’ve always focused my work on trauma responses, this was a skill set I already had and was ready to meet “the new normal”. One of my dreams has been to work for myself and find ways to do things differently, centering people and care despite having a business I rely on to feed myself and my family. FeatherLight Counseling is a step on the way to much larger dreams- never having to turn anyone away from care they need for any reason, especially lack of insurance or funds. I am confident one day that dream will also become reality.

I wanted to find a way to use the time and offer the best possible help I could and to begin making it available to others. I started searching, reading and realized I would be able to take trainings I had only previously dreamed of. Traveling out of state, taking time off, expenses were barriers for me. Suddenly all the things that made new intensive trainings seem out of reach were gone and the trainings suddenly were at my fingertips. It was possible because I was home.

The two areas I had dreamed of were starting to become reality- Play therapy and EMDR. At the very least, I thought, I can be more ready after this transformation in the world “new normal”. So I did it. My children got to test all the interventions just for fun and “help” me to learn. There was a way forward that previously seemed impossible.

So with all the additional training and practice finished, it was time to get started. I reached out to colleagues, accountants, friends, met all kinds of people and with all that feedback, FeatherLight Counseling and Consulting LLC was “born” October 2022.